Now, when it comes to some things I can not afford to regress. There are some things in my diet that I can not eat. I just have to avoid them or end up with headaches, reactions and increased pain. But what can easily happen is eating foods that are "Ok" but maybe not the best quality, processed and not made at home. Too much "safe" soda, not enough water. I can easily fall out of the habit of my daily walk and stretches. One or two cold or wet days in a row, or a few days of flares and next thing I know it has been a week or more since I stepped out my door to walk around the block or done the stretches that help my neck and back. I can quickly decide that just brushing my teeth and not worrying about flossing this once is ok, and then I realize it has been days since I flossed at all.
Because of my conditions, it does not take long for these lapses to cause increased issues and symptoms.And I drag around wondering why I am so tired, irritable, craving carbs, why my foot pain has suddenly increased and I am pivoting toward depression. And because sometimes these "symptoms" can just be part of the daily battle I dismiss them and let them build up. Then a follow up with my doctor and a round of bloodwork lets me know I have some work to do to see if this is just part of the progression of illness, or if I can do something to help slow down or reverse the numbers.
So, once again I hunker down and get serious! I make a research my food and supplement options, think about a way to get my walk in even in cold and wet weather (tricky when you are still trying avoid groups of people) and make a renewed promise to myself that I will do better about cooking a good variety of the foods I can eat and not just easy the easy ones.
And every time I start this cycle again I feel guilty. For being lazy, not being diligent, for not making the hard choices, for always allowing temporary things that should just trip me up, to throw me off the track. Instead of stumbling and finding my balance, falling on my face. For just not being good enough, determined enough, smart enough to get things right. That toxic, self depreciating, gaslighting self talk that all of us do at one time or another, and can drag us down to the pit if we are not careful.
But these days, those thoughts don't last very long any more. The try to assault me, and I may give in to some self loathing and pity partying, but it does no usually drag on for very long. Thanks to therapy, both individual and group, I have begun to learn that even though I may have those feelings, I do not have to wallow in them or live there. I can address them head on and thwart the arrows with my shield of truths I know to be true about me. (That sounds very dramatic doesn't it? Sometimes I do wax poetic about these things) So what does that look like?
Well, thoughts can be extinguished as follows:
The lie: "I am lazy, not diligent and not willing to make hard choices"
The truth: Sometimes i am lazy, but most often I get tired, sometimes I don't follow through, but I do make hard choices every day.
The lie: "I always allow little things that should only trip me up to throw me off track"
The truth: I sometimes allow little things to trip me up and throw me off track, but a lot of times something small for someone not facing chronic pain is big for me. And I always find my way back to my feet, even if it takes time.
The lie: "I am not good enough, determined enough, or smart enough to get things right."
The truth: Good enough according to who? Boy that is a post all by itself. I am determined to work hard, and I rarely give up for good. I am smart enough. Just look at all the things I have already figured out how to do, to cope and adjust and live.
This practice of facing down the lies I tell myself, with the truth I know can help me when I am getting dragged down by negative and toxic thoughts. But it takes practice, and sometimes I need to wallow a little bit before I start the process. I need to visit the sadness, the frustration, the disappointment and sit with those feelings for a while. Then, I can begin knocking down those lies one after the other and get myself back on steadier footing.
So, what about you? Do you feel like you are always starting over? Well, give yourself some grace. And Remember, that often starting over and getting back on the track you want to be on does not take nearly as long as the first time you stepped on the trail. 
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