On July 8, 2013 just before noon I was rear ended by a driver who was not paying close attention to the road ahead of him. I had just looked down to adjust the radio and when I looked up I saw brake lights. I instinctively hit my breaks and within seconds I heard the sickening sound of metal on metal and felt my car and body lurch forward from the impact of his vehicle slamming into mine.
Ya'll!! It's been an incredibly long road. Eight years long that still seems to have not real end in sight. When I felt God impress on my heart that it would be a long road, I anticipated long being months instead of weeks. Not years instead of months. I thought I would begin a slow road to recovery that would prove to be complete healing. No where in my mind was the thought that the injuries sustained from that one accident would turn into lifelong chronic conditions that would compound the injuries and add to the pain and discomfort. Since that day I have developed fibromyalgia and at least one autoimmune condition (a Mast Cell Activation Disorder). Without going into all the gory details right now (you can google the conditions if you like). I am one hot mess!
There is not one part of my life that has not been affected by my current medical issues. You name it and it has affected it. And if I am honest it gets really old. I get so weary some days, as it feels as if my life is a constant battle. All day, every day I fight against the conditions that wage war against me both physically and emotionally. Sometimes I get really angry at what these diseases have taken from me and want to lash out. Other days I grieve who I used to be, what I have lost and just want to curl up and sleep. There are times when I want to deny that its really that big of a deal, only to be quickly reminded that it is indeed my new reality. And other days, many days, I accept where I am and find ways to move forward with the life I have and not dwell on the difficulties.
And as I have moved through the past 8 years I have found good doctors who are helping me manage the symptoms of these conditions. I have a Physical Therapist who helps me keep moving and release some of the grip the pain has on me. I have a Mental Health Counselor who talks through what I am feeling and together we come up with ways to process these emotions. I am in groups on Facebook and Zoom with others who deal with similar (and often times worse) conditions that I have and we encourage each other. I have friends who love me and encourage me (both on line and in real life) and my family is loving and supportive. I am grateful for all these people, and the impact they have on my day to day life. And overall I think I am managing and dealing with things reasonably well, all things considered.
However, the most important thing to me, is my trust in God. That the impressions he pressed on my heart in the very moments of the accident are still true. That it was not a mistake. I was right where I was supposed to be. That He would be with me and that the road would be long. That there where lessons that I needed to learn that I simply could not learn any other way. What are those lessons? Well, that will be for another post. But suffice it to say, in spite of everything, in the midst of the most challenging years of my life, I still believe it. I still believe Him. And I hold on tight to the knowledge that He loves me and has my best interest at heart, and that through my sufferings, if I choose too, I can and will grow closer to Him.
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