Over it! ... or riding the waves ... or, sometimes you just need a sundae

Some days you are just over it, you know? Just done. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to figure out how to manage your symptoms. Tired of your life being controlled by your body that seems to just have a vendetta against you. It just gets old. The aches, the pain, the fatigue, the unpleasant symptoms you just don't discuss with anyone other than your closest family or friend. You are just done. 

That was me today. Even after having a migraine four nights in a row, this past week during the daytime was actually a decent week. I got things done. I did some shopping,  cooked for my folks and for my family. I got my PT stretches done, started adjusting to orthotic shoe inserts, even kept the kitchen reasonably clean and the laundry caught up. But today, it just fell apart.

I started the day getting sick from choking/coughing, lovely right? Was able to recover and get my mom to her hair appointment and then enjoyed visiting a little bit. But boy, the fatigue, the aches, the gut issues (won't go into those details), neck pain that triggered yet another migrain (Thankfully it was quickly dealt with by a dose of my rescue meds). As I dragged myself through my day I found the emotional and mental toll taking hold. Grumpy about the heat, that I can not get out in anymore, cranky about the sun that causes my skin to flush and me to overheat. Sad about it not being cool enough to enjoy a trip to the beach if we want to just take off and go.  Grumpy, cranky, sad. I pushed (well slogged) through, resting a lot, but by the end of the day I was just done. 

I would love to say I did some mindfulness exercises, or imagery or prayer that fixed my attitude, but I didn't. This evening James took me to Harris Teeter to get several pints of the oat milk ice cream I can eat, and when I got home I made myself a gluten free, dairy free brownie caramel sundae. It was amazing, and yes, I felt better. I drowned my grumpy, cranky, sad attitude in the sweet, gooey goodness of that sundae and enjoyed every single bite! Was it the healthiest way to cope? Nope! Did it help, yeah, actually it did. 

See some days you are just done, over it. But the challenge with chronic illness is, it is never done with you. The symptoms keep coming, no matter how you feel about it. And you have some choices. Today's choice was to just wallow a bit. I had the house to myself, so I just kind of slumped through my day, cooking, resting, laundry, resting, watching some tv on Hulu. Ending with my glorious chocolate brownie caramel sundae. And actually feeling a bit better. 

I have come to believe that you can not shove your feelings away, or cover them up or try to push them down. Especially when dealing with things the mental illness, chronic illness, grief. Sometimes you have to just ride the waves, the ups the downs, the wipeouts, the almost drowning, the scraping along the bottom and then coming back up and gasping for air. The key, for me anyway, is to not to allow myself to live in the riptide or the undertow. It is ok to roll with the waves as long as you come back up for air, spit out the water, wipe the sand out of your eyes and once again ride the tops. Sometimes that means calling for the help of a lifeguard, or remembering your ankle is attached to a boogie board, or just stopping to float till you are out of the pull.

And sometimes it means eating a chocolate brownie caramel sundae and trying again tomorrow.