The other day I was angry. Not just sad or frustrated. Angry. Flashpoint, boiling, rage angry.
Now, since election night I have had a lot of feelings. Sadness, frustration, confusion, grief, and sometimes I have felt upset. But I have not had the implosion of anger like I had the other day. Like, almost brought to tears angry. It took some deep breathing, a walk around the block, a Starbucks and Home Depot run with the hubby and the dog, and a little grocery retail therapy to salvage the day.
I had to think through why I was so upset that day. There is constant news these days, of things that frustrate and sadden me, even scare me a little. It feels like some of the worst people are in charge, and they are doing things without any thought or consideration to how it will affect the regular people in the world. People like me and my family. But that day, the dam broke and I finally figured out why.
It was in regards to the newly appointed head of HHS and his apparent desire to go after the medications that treat things like add/adhd, anxiety, depression and weight loss. To get people off those drugs and retrain them on work farms, or something. And I snapped.
You see, I went through my whole childhood, teen and young adult years with undiagnosed ADD. I struggle with anxiety and depression though I do not need meds for them I know people who do. ADD, Anxiety, depression are all represented in our little family. And we have worked hard to manage and thrive.
Going through life thinking you are just stupid, or lazy or maybe just crazy, leaves its marks on you. And finally finding out you have a real condition that is treatable, well, its life changing. Finding a something to help your kid, or your partner manage their days better and be able to function means everything. Hearing all the talk about these conditions and realizing that the medications that can help give people a quality of life they did not have, even saving their life in some cases, might become even harder get just made me furious. If you have never dealt with this, you have no idea the emotional toll it takes on a person and their family.
Lately, I have been thinking about the physical scars I have. From surgeries mostly, 3 c-sections, 2 hernia repairs, gall bladder removal, and a total hysterectomy. Each procedure has left its mark, and sometimes the scars are still tender and flare up. But those scars are also gifts. Each one was either to save my life, or my quality of life. And the memories around them, though a bit traumatic, are positive.
The scars beneath the surface are ones that I forget about sometimes, until something like the other day happened. Those scars, just like physical ones can smart, flare and ache. Sometimes we don't realize how deep they run until they are activated and you realize that you still have much healing to do. I have come a long way, and am proud of the progress I have made. But I do have a ways to go, but don't we all.
At first I was upset with myself, for letting my emotions get so stirred up, and I wished I could just let it all roll over me, like water rolls off a ducks back, as the saying goes. To just hear the information, and then file it away. But then I thought, no. I don't want to become completely numb to things I feel are potentially harmful and damaging. My reaction shows I care deeply about the issue, and the people it may effect, whether they are related to me or not.
So I have calmed down from the emotional volcano that erupted the other day. The lava has slowed and settled and instead of a bursting fire, it is simmering, and bubbling, but not exploding. And I am thinking how grateful I am to have tools I can use to help manage, mitigate and explore the emotions that sometimes overwhelm me. And, I am thankful that I have not become calloused and hard in my response to things I feel are unjust or wrong.
Keeping my heart soft is something I want to do, even if it causes me to feel things deeply and uncomfortably. And sometimes requires eating Brownie Batter Granola Butter straight from the jar!
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