you know, sometimes you just have to start writing. without a clever title, or catchy phrase to grab the readers attention. for some of us, writing is a way of processing what we feel and think. a way of working through what bounces around in our heads. a way of gaining perspective and working out issues. sometimes you just have to write, for if you don't, the thoughts and feelings bang around inside you, but never come to rest.
this is how i feel today. the story of the senseless, tragic death of two local children running through my mind. young ones with their whole lives ahead of them, swept away by the rushing undercurrent of a local river, their lives snuffed out in mere moments of time, while their helpless family could do nothing to save them.
i think of my brother in law, gone so quickly and unexpectedly. taken by a heart attack in the middle of the night, leaving my sister in law, and her three boys, trying to keep going after the loss, plugging along day to day, one step at a time, moving forward, one foot in front of the other. dealing with life in a way they never expected to have too. life sometimes seeming too overwhelming to move on.
i think about these things and it makes me angry. it breaks my heart and makes me sad. it causes me to question everything i believe about the god i serve. the god i sing about. the god i want to live for. the god i trust and want to trust. the god i want others to know, and serve and sing for and live for and trust.
how do i reconcile my love for my god, my belief that he is good, and loves me and those around me, when faced with such sadness and tragedy. my humanness rears its emotion and wants to shout NO! ITS NOT RIGHT! ITS ALL WRONG! ITS UNFAIR! and yet i don't. i don't shout. i move on. sometimes keeping things bottled up, because to talk of them makes them real. to think of them makes me have to face them. to face them makes me have to face my own questions regarding faith and what i really believe.
one thing i know. death is a vivid reminder that things are not as they should be. we were never meant to face death. we were meant to live eternally, forever and ever with god on the beautiful world he created. but because of sin we must face the ugly reality of death. we must come face to face with our own mortality. we must reconcile ourselves to the fact that one day we will indeed die. and we must think of what that means.
what do i believe about death, and mortality and what happens when we die. i am a christ follower. i believe he is the son of god. i believe that when i die, because i believe in him that i will go to heaven and live with him. i believe this, i do. i believe he is good, and gracious, and sovereign, and that in the end he will make all things right. i believe. please lord help me with my unbelief. i trust. please lord help me with my lack of trust. i have faith. please lord help me with my faithlessness. i believe for this we have jesus.
i learned a long time ago, that when you have questions. ask him. when you are angry with him, tell him. when you struggle, admit it to him. he knows it anyway, so you might as well be honest with yourself and with him. even with strong faith i think there are times when we question. and i think that is ok .
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